Oneliners

I’m not getting older…I’m getting bitter.

I’m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair.

Meetings — The practical alternative to work.

Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

May your life be like toilet paper – long and useful.

Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.

If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?

If I’m getting smart with you.. . How would you know?

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can’t make him think.

I’d like to give you a going-away present..but first you have to do your part.

Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. (Mark Twain)

There are two rules to success in life – 1. Don’t tell people everything you know.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

You know you’re old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

We cannot change the direction of the wind… but we can adjust our sails.

OLD is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.