How To Drive Your Parents Crazy

Something I always say I’m going to do, but never follow through with, is put up some of my papers for you guys to read.  Well guess what!  I’m finally doing it.  This is a paper I did for my English class.  It was supposed to be a paper about a process, and since I didn’t want to do a paper about a recipe or tying my shoes, I wrote about how to drive your parents crazy.  I got a “B”.

How to Drive Your Parents Crazy

My dad used to say that when children are little they walk all over your feet, but when they get older they walk all over your heart.   I didn’t know what he meant until I had children (two daughters) of my own.  I was blessed/cursed with the most imaginative, intelligent and mischievous children ever born.  It was like living the Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.”  There were days when I thought I would surely lose my mind. The following was their blueprint, and I assure you that all of the situations are true, although the names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

Step 1: The Cute Factor

The first rule in driving your parents crazy is that you must be cute.  This can be achieved physically or by things you say or do immediately following your misdeed.  Think of it as a built-in self defense mechanism.  Who can resist when a child bats their eyes at you and smiles, even if they have just smeared peanut butter and jelly all over your stereo receiver?  Other than being cute, your other options to avoid punishment are “the dodge”, where you run around the coffee table until your parents get winded and give up or you can hide under a small piece of furniture until their older, inferior brains forget why they’re looking for you.

Step 2: Be Creative!

Don’t just finger paint on that wall, there are more interesting things to paint with in the refrigerator or even your diaper.  Also, finding and attempting to surgically reattach lost limbs on dead animals is recommended.  Not only will they applaud your humane efforts, but their shrieks of approval will be heard throughout the neighborhood…guaranteed.

Step 3: Sleep Deprivation

Parents hate sleep, it’s a known fact.  In light of this it is our duty as loving and devoted children to ensure that they get as little as possible.  This can be achieved in many ways: faking nightmares, requesting multiple glasses of water or setting the hamsters loose at 3:00am.  Again, follow Step 2 and be creative.

Step 4: Quality time

It is essential that you pause in your quest for parental insanity and spend quality time with your family.  This includes not only your immediate family but extended members of your family and various family friends as well.  But don’t be complacent and allow your parents to get bogged down by boring family get-togethers.  Sometimes you must create a diversion to liven things up a bit. One sure way to get everyone’s attention during long, after church gatherings, is to suddenly jump up and declare “Jesus Christ, somebody stole my purse!”  And let me tell you, nothing says excitement like mooning the entire dining room at McDonalds during breakfast.

Step 5: Terrorizing Siblings

The old saying goes “crap runs downhill”, but this is not true in a child’s world.  It runs in all directions.  Any good child knows that to REALLY get to your parents you must include attacks on your siblings, who then go crying to their parents for justice.  You might try walking into the room where your sister and her school friend are playing with Barbies, take the doll from your sister’s hand,  unceremoniously break the head off and then simply walk out of the room. Not only will her screams bring your parents running, but it will instill fear in your sister and have her wondering if her head might be next.

Step 6: Call Grandma

When the going gets tough, the tough call grandma!  And while you have her on the phone you might as well tell her about your mother swearing at you, but don’t bother telling her that it’s because you painted the dog red.  Also, don’t forget to mention your dad’s drinking, but DO forget to tell her that it was on New Years Eve.  Above all, make sure that she knows how unreasonable and mean your parents are, and how innocent you are.  After all you’re only a child, what can you do?

Sniffles

It figures, Fall Break just began and I now have the sniffles and a slight sore throat.  AND I’m achy AND feverish, AND my eyes hurt AND are watery.  Of course then there’s the whining AND the sulking around.  AND…that’s it.

Today Mr. Dragon, Tess, Tess’ boyfriend and I went shopping in Dothan.  On the way there we played the umbrella-land game, which drove my daughter’s boyfriend crazy, trying to figure out how to play it.  My favorite part was when he said, “There’s road construction ahead”, and we said “No, that’s not right”, and right after that my daughter said, “ummmm…there’s road construction ahead” and we said that’s right.  lol  If you know how to play it, you’ll know how funny that is.  Good times, good times.

I got new flannel jammie bottoms yesterday, which I wore to bed last night.  This morning I discovered they were ripped on the upper thigh, and NOT on the seam.  And it was all ragged like a wild animal had gotten to them.  I have no freakin’ idea what happened.  All I can say is that I must have had one hell of a dream.

I think tomorrow, if I feel alright, I’m going to attempt to decorate for Christmas. Although it’s not going to be as far out as what I do for Halloween, I’ve got some new stuff to set out and I can’t wait to light them all up.  And then maybe I’ll get Tess and her boyfriend to help me make some Christmas cookies….cause it’s no fun to make and decorate sugar cookies all by yourself.  Well, unless you’ve been drinking.  heh

Wuhahaha

Well, my last English paper gets turned in tomorrow, as well as my research paper.  Then all I have to do is a presentation and I have one class left on Friday before Fall Break.  After Break we only have two more days of class and then it’s Finals time.  THANK GOD!  This semester has been brutal.  Between babysitting for my grandson, writing 6 English papers and my research paper and struggling with Math, it’s been just crazy.  But it’s okay, so far I believe I have an “A” in everything except for Math.  Which I had a “B” average in until our last exam.  I’m not sure what it is now.  I’m trying sooooo hard to get a 4.0 because this semester determines what honors I graduate with.  Next semester I’m taking another English, an American Lit. Physical Science/Lab and Finite Math (insert snivel here).  ::sigh:: I need more coffee.

Vampires

The Ace of Spades has put up a hysterical post about vampires. I giggled non-stop while reading it.

From Our Local Newspaper, Regarding Veterans Day

WARNING…it has been brought to my attention that some of these quotes are incorrect and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt.

From The Troy Messenger

author:??

Could have heard a pin drop Published Saturday, November 14, 2009

Some things are meant to be shared. This is one of those things. Veterans Day should be one of the most important days of the year. Sadly, it’s not. That is evidenced by the small number of people who attend our Veterans Day programs – the few who take time to remember those who gave their lives so that we can live in the greatest country in the world. Neal Thrasher read a piece titled “You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop” at the Veterans Day Program at Elam Baptist Church on Wednesday. It’s one of those things that are meant to be shared.

JFK’s Secretary of State Dean Rusk was in France in the early 1960s when Charles DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?” DeGaulle didn’t respond. You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if the United States’ plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that didn’t return. You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including the French and Americans. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them? A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly, “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people. They are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities. They have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day. They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships. How many does France have? You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. naval admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the United States, English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, the US admiral found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French,” he asked. Without hesitating, the American admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German. You could have heard a pin drop.

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carryon. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” “The last time I was here I didn’t have to show it,” the American said. “Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France.” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.” You could have heard a pin drop. It’s never too late to say “Thank you” to those who fight for and defend freedom around the world and never too late to remember those who paid for those freedoms with their lives. That’s what Veterans Day is all about.

Cannabis Cafe?

A cannabis cafe opens in Oregon. One thing that struck me about this article was that if they’re concerned with helping people who use cannabis for medicinal purposes, why are they spouting off about things such as holding marijuana themed weddings???  Hmmm…for a supposed medicine…when was the last time you heard about a Prozac themed wedding?  Just a thought.

I don’t want to hear a meep!

School bans use of the word “meep” by its students. Clearly this is muppet discrimination.

I remember the good old days  in school, when the teacher would say “I don’t want to hear another peep!” and  inevitably this would lead to some jackass whispering an almost inaudible “peep”.  I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but, sometimes it was me.

Don’t panic

Don’t Panic.  Famous last words.  Yesterday, when I was getting my usual cup of coffee on campus, I had a sort of attack.  I was standing there getting ready to pay for my coffee when all of a sudden I felt HUNGRY and started shaking, then the dizziness kicked in and I almost passed out.  After they sat me down and fed me an energy bar and some juice, a professor told me that it was hypoglycemia (he has it too) and that I should start eating every three hours (lightly) and carrying a candy bar with me, in case it happens again.  ::sigh::  Good times, good times.

Veterans Day

Thank you to all of the men and women who have fought, and are fighting to keep us free and safe.  May God bless you and your families.

Steven Tyler NOT leaving Aerosmith!

Steven Tyler finally breaks his silence to say he is not leaving Aerosmith…YAY!