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Dysfunctional Diary Entry- Pick a number

February 1, 2014

Dear Dysfunctional Diary, I used to be a fairly prolific blog writer. At any given moment you could click on my blog and see a variety of topics, including but not limited to: road rage, rants, addictions, dating, mutated snowmen and a LOT about the impending zombie apocalypse. And I loved it! Every…single…moment of it.  Some of it was serious, but by far most of it fell under the category of humor.  Now I wouldn’t say I had a huge following, but I had some.  And to those I was known as Dragonlady, or Dragon for short. And I loved that too. Every…single…minute of it.  And then something happened and it all just went away.  The posts got fewer and fewer.  The content was lacking.  It became harder for me to pick a topic to write about. I kept second guessing everything that I wrote. Oh, my readers were still hanging on and I made a few valiant attempts at starting back up again, but it was useless. I gave up.  No joy. No humor.  Regrets? -yes.  Confusion?- certainly.  Bitterness?  MOST certainly. And no outlet for what feelings I had left. And they were, NO- ARE slowly throwing in the cards and cashing in their chips .I think the only thing that’s kept me somewhat in touch with anything is my grandson.  He is capable of producing a GENIUINE smile from me.  So what’s the deal?  What the hell happened?  And here’s the answer to the million dollar question…I don’t know.  And this is the part where I should warn you to go read something else because there might be some swearing involved and other unpleasant things in the rest of this post.

What the hell, I survived a troubled childhood, rape, abusive ex-husbands and cancer but now my life is apparently taking a nose dive?  Did I use up my allotted portion of luck or something?  I can’t find a job, I’m worried about my crazy ass family, I rarely see my husband, and when I do I just feel guilty because he works all the time and I can’t get a fucking job in this town.  Which is really lovely because I HAD a job and quit to go back to school to better myself.  (insert jerking motion here) This problem is exacerbated when I encounter people when I’m out and that’s the first thing they ask -if I have a job yet.  No, you see, if I had a job I’d take an ad out in the newspaper just to let all you guys know so you could be so happy for me. Ahem.
I worry about my daughters and wonder if they’ll ever recognize their full potential.  I wonder if I’ve ruined my husband’s life because of my lack of a job now, my cancer, all the doctors, my crazy ass family, and as a result, most times I just want to retreat into myself or sleep. Or be a total bitch. Ahem squared.

So what was I talking about again??

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2 comments

  1. Far be it for me to offer anyone advice. I know this; when you focus on everything that is bad in life you miss out on what is good.

    Easier said than done, I know. But that is what gets me through this day, this hour, this minute.



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