Archive for November 14th, 2010


Blast From the Past

November 14, 2010

A story from my very first blog. Some may remember it, my sister and I will never forget it.

I am a weirdo magnet, my friends and family know this. Sadly this didn’t just apply to strangers that I met, this also applied to people I went out on dates with. For some I blame sister, since she set me up with them (for her amusement). And for others, I was at fault. In my family my dating escapades are legendary, and have become cautionary tales to be told before bedtime. This is one of those tales. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the first episode of…

Dating Dragon
I once went on a date with a sheriff from Indiana. Normally this would be a good dating move, since law enforcement types are for upholding the law and such. Which means you should feel relatively safe on said date, and any fears that your date is a psycho, serial killer type should be put to rest. Right? WRONG! We’re talking about my twisted little world, where the weirdo target never moves from its painted position on my back.

So, let’s see, we have to give this guy a name for the story. He was laughable, pathetic, and at other times scary so we’ll call him Barney Bundy. Another thing I should mention is that although I support the right to bear arms, I don’t want them anywhere near me, because they freak me out. AND Barney knew this. Okay, so back to the story…

Barney picked me up around noonish to attend the Feast of the Hunters Moon. When he opened the door to get in his truck I noticed his badge AND gun sitting on the front seat. This irritated me because I thought it might be some kind of ego/intimidation thing. And as the day progressed I discovered that my assessment was right on.

We arrived at the Feast and before leaving the truck he decided to carry his gun in a holster under his jacket. I can’t remember for sure if he put his badge on his belt, but I’m thinking he did. My irritation was growing.

When we made it to the part where you pay, and they told him how much it would be, he began griping his ass off about the price and continued to do so the entire time we were there. I offered to pay for myself but he insisted it was fine, and then began griping again. Right then I predicted it was going to be a long/sucky date.

Damn, I hate being right all of the time.

After we left the feast he took me to Arby’s saying something to the effect that he planned on taking me some place nicer but the Feast was too expensive and he had to do damage control. After that he suggested we go to my place and I KNEW what he meant by the suggestion, but I feigned ignorance and told him that I wanted him to meet my sister.

Fast forward to sister’s house. As soon as I got there I tried every way possible to get alone with my sister so I could tell her what a nutjob this guy was, but the idiot kept following me wherever I went. When I went down the hall to go to the bathroom he followed me and I shooed him away. Finally my brother-in-law distracted him and my sister and I went outside to have a cigarette. I launched into how the date was going and how psycho the guy was and then out stepped Barney right while I was talking shit about him, so I didn’t get to finish the story. He came and sat down at the patio table and then began talking about guns. My sister, knew how I felt about being around guns, AND she was not a big fan of having them around either. Most SANE people would have dropped the subject, but no, he went under his jacket and pulled out his gun and waved it around, talking about more gun stuff. When my sister and I didn’t respond too well to this, he began launching into a story about how he had once had sex with two sisters in a shower. He looked at us from across the table, letting the two sisters part sink in. At this point I stood up and went inside, followed by my sister, and of course Barney trailed along behind us.

He then got into a conversation with my sister’s husband about…you guessed it…GUNS! And headed out to his truck to get something to show my sister’s husband. We quickly talked shit about him and they made me promise to call as soon as this guy dropped me off to make sure I was okay.

Barney came back in carrying some long, thin black case with the words, “Sheriffs Department” stamped on it. When he opened it, there lay some kind of machine gun looking thing. I was friggin’ speechless, as was sister. What kind of moron was this guy?? My sister told him to put it away and he packed it up and I thought it would be a good idea to get him out of there before my sister killed him. As we were walking out my sister gave me THAT look and said, “Call me”.

When we got back to my house he decided to invite himself in, ignoring my signals that I just wanted to be left alone. He of course had brought his gun with him and to “make me feel better” he took it out and set it on the kitchen table, which was where we were sitting.

So there we sat staring at each other across the kitchen table, just the two of us and the gun. Finally, Barney spoke up and said he’d like to teach me some self defense. Even after I kept telling him that I already knew self defense, he just wouldn’t shut up about it, so I stood up and told him we would have to go out back because I didn’t want anything getting knocked over in the house. As I unlocked the patio door and stepped outside first, I actually smiled because…

1. He had left the gun in the house and

2. I was going to get a chance to get some aggression out and knock this guy on his ass

Now let me pause briefly and say that I don’t know who teaches this particular sheriffs department about self defense OR what they teach them, but if he was on the top of his class in this department, they suck.

My self defense training came from a dear friend of mine who, before a horrible car accident, had a nice career in the special forces. Upon hearing what had happened to me when I was a teenager (rape) he said it would never happen to me again, and he began teaching me what he knew over a period of time. I have no idea what classification or what belt I would be, he just taught me stuff.

Anyway, soon it became apparent that the only reason he was going to “show me” self defense was just a lame excuse to try and feel me up. So I felt it necessary to flip him into my shed….several times. Hehehe I don’t remember all of the things I did to the poor guy but I do remember the flipping and the last kick I did, where I kicked him hard in the inner-upper thigh area. I was going to sweep his feet out from under him but the kick dropped him pretty good. After that he declared the self defense training was over because” I was too tense”. We walked back into the house( well, I walked, and he limped) and as we were walking in the phone rang. It was my ex-brother-in-law, who was watching Tess for me. He could tell in my voice that something was wrong so he asked if I wanted him to come over, I looked at the gun on the table, pretended to carry on a normal conversation and said yes.

About ten minutes later Tess came through the door, followed by my ex-brother-in-law and his son. Before they got there, I had told Barney that my daughter was coming home and he’d have to take his gun off of the table, so he put it back in the holster under his arm.

Anyway, so Tess and her cousin came running into the dining room, at first asking Barney normal questions about being a sheriff, but then after they got his number they began being smart asses and asking funny questions. Then, true to the jerk he was, he began to tell some story about a bunny rabbit and I don’t remember much about it other than the fact the bunny dies at the end. One of the kids ( I don’t remember which) said exactly what I was thinking, “God, what kind of kid story is that?” I think he was trying to intimidate them with the story and how the bunny died and everything, but he didn’t know the kids very well. After that they heckled him about it and other stuff. Finally, being irritated with the kids and figuring out that my ex-brother-in-law wasn’t going anywhere, he left.