How To Drive Your Parents Crazy

November 23, 2009

Something I always say I’m going to do, but never follow through with, is put up some of my papers for you guys to read.  Well guess what!  I’m finally doing it.  This is a paper I did for my English class.  It was supposed to be a paper about a process, and since I didn’t want to do a paper about a recipe or tying my shoes, I wrote about how to drive your parents crazy.  I got a “B”.

How to Drive Your Parents Crazy

My dad used to say that when children are little they walk all over your feet, but when they get older they walk all over your heart.   I didn’t know what he meant until I had children (two daughters) of my own.  I was blessed/cursed with the most imaginative, intelligent and mischievous children ever born.  It was like living the Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.”  There were days when I thought I would surely lose my mind. The following was their blueprint, and I assure you that all of the situations are true, although the names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

Step 1: The Cute Factor

The first rule in driving your parents crazy is that you must be cute.  This can be achieved physically or by things you say or do immediately following your misdeed.  Think of it as a built-in self defense mechanism.  Who can resist when a child bats their eyes at you and smiles, even if they have just smeared peanut butter and jelly all over your stereo receiver?  Other than being cute, your other options to avoid punishment are “the dodge”, where you run around the coffee table until your parents get winded and give up or you can hide under a small piece of furniture until their older, inferior brains forget why they’re looking for you.

Step 2: Be Creative!

Don’t just finger paint on that wall, there are more interesting things to paint with in the refrigerator or even your diaper.  Also, finding and attempting to surgically reattach lost limbs on dead animals is recommended.  Not only will they applaud your humane efforts, but their shrieks of approval will be heard throughout the neighborhood…guaranteed.

Step 3: Sleep Deprivation

Parents hate sleep, it’s a known fact.  In light of this it is our duty as loving and devoted children to ensure that they get as little as possible.  This can be achieved in many ways: faking nightmares, requesting multiple glasses of water or setting the hamsters loose at 3:00am.  Again, follow Step 2 and be creative.

Step 4: Quality time

It is essential that you pause in your quest for parental insanity and spend quality time with your family.  This includes not only your immediate family but extended members of your family and various family friends as well.  But don’t be complacent and allow your parents to get bogged down by boring family get-togethers.  Sometimes you must create a diversion to liven things up a bit. One sure way to get everyone’s attention during long, after church gatherings, is to suddenly jump up and declare “Jesus Christ, somebody stole my purse!”  And let me tell you, nothing says excitement like mooning the entire dining room at McDonalds during breakfast.

Step 5: Terrorizing Siblings

The old saying goes “crap runs downhill”, but this is not true in a child’s world.  It runs in all directions.  Any good child knows that to REALLY get to your parents you must include attacks on your siblings, who then go crying to their parents for justice.  You might try walking into the room where your sister and her school friend are playing with Barbies, take the doll from your sister’s hand,  unceremoniously break the head off and then simply walk out of the room. Not only will her screams bring your parents running, but it will instill fear in your sister and have her wondering if her head might be next.

Step 6: Call Grandma

When the going gets tough, the tough call grandma!  And while you have her on the phone you might as well tell her about your mother swearing at you, but don’t bother telling her that it’s because you painted the dog red.  Also, don’t forget to mention your dad’s drinking, but DO forget to tell her that it was on New Years Eve.  Above all, make sure that she knows how unreasonable and mean your parents are, and how innocent you are.  After all you’re only a child, what can you do?



  1. Crap runs in all directions. Ah. Sweet mystery of life. You nailed it!

  2. Mothers don’t get nearly enough recognition. We need a Mother’s Day every month. 🙂

  3. How about a Father’s Day for having to live with all you Mothers?

  4. Define Mothers. lol

  5. SEE!?!

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